youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
