I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
