I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
