so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
