apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
