fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
