Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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