I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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