I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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