Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
