insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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