So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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