areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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