I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
