Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
