I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Randomize
