I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
