nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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