You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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