Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
