We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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