I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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