remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He felt like a one man threesome
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
