Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
