DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize