My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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