I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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