Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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