If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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