saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
