this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
