I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
