last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
