My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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