I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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