Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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