There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
