he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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