You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
