Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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