It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
