I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
