Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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