he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god it's open bar.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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