Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
