I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
