God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize