Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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