I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
