clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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