I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
