Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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