Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
