I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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