I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
