ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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