im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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