he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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