I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
