when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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