You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
