um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
where am i from again
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
