Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
