All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
