You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
