plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
