Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
