White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
